I don’t think there is a single person that walks through life that isn’t judged by others to some degree. Good or bad we all have stereotyped both consciously and subconsciously. I often think about how many judgments are made to make easier decisions about people we encounter. Rather than having to get to know people intimately on a one-on-one basis our brains make quick work by categorizing which often involves stereotyping. This is a simplified concept many of us use without thinking about it and is a shortcut the mind undertakes to not over analyze. I fully recognize I am guilty of this myself. It is an evolutionary process passed down over time in order to optimize survival and minimize decision making time.
Where this is dangerous is when you encounter people that don’t fit into certain categories and we don’t take the time to get to know what they are about. It is a tough place to be when I happen to be that person who encounters this over and over again. Never feeling like quite part of the group but also feeling as though I have earned my way in even when others may not see it that way. That is until they decide to take the time to consider.
Part of being a person that provokes change requires taking a stand and in many instances this means being alone. Being brave enough to stand on your own is probably one of the hardest things to learn but anyone that knows the power of standing up to a bully knows what that feels like to challenge what is considered normal or even acceptable. Over the last couple of days I have been thinking about how these judgements others have projected can cause dark spots in my life. It is these dark spots that light dims and I don’t want my light to dim one piece at a time. Instead I want to choose to shine bright even if people take rounds out of me one small incident at a time. I don’t want to give power to these dark spots anymore by keeping them hidden from the light.
For the last 15 years I have witnessed many refs who walk right passed me to shake the hand of my Assistant Coach because they assume incorrectly that he must be the one in charge. All of my Assistant Coaches over the years, out of necessity, have resorted to telling them directly that I am the Head Coach. Sometimes they make a joke about how they are just my bodyguard or pre-emptively heading them off at the pass to send them my way before the mistake is made yet again. It isn’t the worst thing in the world by any stretch but gets predictable after a while. It also gets incredibly tiring to be continually underestimated over and over again.
Then there are officials that might approach me after a game to make comments about something my player did or a way I decided to have my team play the game where they accuse me of being “inexperienced”. The comments being “I know you are new to this but…” or “a more experienced coach would…” As any coach knows you sometimes tell a player to do something and they might do it differently than was explained so these become moments for further teaching but it isn’t always a reflection on what they were initially told. It also isn’t always as clear as someone thinks they see on the outside but this is my team so I get to decide. Maybe my experience has taught me to make an adjustment for my team that is different than something they would choose to do. The perceived lack of experience has nothing to do with that difference. It is the fact that we are different people and don’t see it the same way.
Then there are new players that when I coach them they say something like “Thank you Miss” or “Okay Miss.” To some it might see like this is being polite but to me it is extremely diminishing. I am not a teacher at school if you call all of the other men in the room “Coach” why am I relegated to a “Miss”? I am still a coach and I might be your first female coach you have worked with but I am a coach none-the-less I deserve the same treatment as all of the other men in the room. When you apply those same comments to a man in that situation “Thank you Mister” or “Okay Sir” it sounds completely ridiculous. I know I won’t put up with that.
There have been the times I have been attending high level tryouts with the National Team to learn new drills and further my knowledge to become a better coach. Sometimes I like just being in a gym to learn and observe. I love just being around basketball. This particular time I was sitting out of the way on the sideline and taking notes to get everything I could out of the experience when a coach I hadn’t met came up to me and asked me “who do you belong to?” pointing to the other coaches. I was caught off guard a bit so I said I didn’t know what he meant. He explained he wanted to know who’s girlfriend or wife I was. Clearly, he thought I couldn't possibly be there for myself. It was a real head shaker. There are so many things wrong with that statement. I handled it diplomatically and explained I was a coach and was there to learn. I still think about that situation sometimes and it bothers me.
It’s these situations and small moments that can grind me down after a while. The little ways that show me that I don’t quite belong according to others. It’s getting coaching clothes that are way too big because I have to settle for what is left over. My Dad, uncles and boyfriends have been well outfitted over the years with my coaching clothes because they were too big so I passed them on. It’s when I was sent up to sit with the parents because the person working the registration desk thought I was a parent even though I told him I was a coach. It is having people shake every other coach’s hand in the gym but conveniently misses mine before walking right passed me to leave the gym.
I could go on with other stories but they all take the same line of repetitive thinking. Luckily I have always believed in the importance of marching to the beat of my own drum when it comes to thinking my own thoughts as well as making a life I can call your own. I just don’t believe in living my life by settling into what is expected of me.
I rely sometimes on other women in my life that are leaders in male dominated fields and when I share some of my experiences with them they say the same thing which is “if you don’t go through this stuff who will?” They know it is a process of breaking down boundaries and I have just the resilient mentality to get that done. I know I don’t deserve this treatment but I also know this is part of being the change you want to see in the world.
I can tell you one thing for sure if I was a weak woman I would have quit a long time ago. If it wasn’t for my players and the strides I see them making I would have quit a long time ago. If it wasn’t for the support of my colleagues that show me on a regular basis how powerful I am with them beside me I would have quit a long time ago. If it weren’t for the parents of the players that see what I am trying to achieve with their children I would have quit a long time ago. Sometimes the struggle just isn’t worth it but then other times it totally is. I love coaching and it is the best thing about my life. It is the place where I have the most passion, joy and happiness. I want to be the example people see to make their lives better. I want to inspire them to give their best effort when it hurts or when they feel like they don’t know how to keep going. I want the players I encounter to know their life is valuable and worth living even when it is hard as well as painful to push themselves to a new level they didn’t know was possible for themselves. So, in real life when things get hard they know exactly what to do to get through it. Anyone who knows me as a coach knows it isn't about just the game for me it is about making great people, students and players.
These are the moments when light shines and this is the moment when it all makes sense. So that my players shift and think differently about those they encounter in the future and that is how I know I have done a good job. These are the reasons I rise above.
No comments:
Post a Comment