Life Lessons from My "Old School" Sports Dad

I really liked this Life Lesson from My "Old School" Sports Dad blog that I found on Changing the Game Project so I thought I would share this with you.  

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

I was a sophomore in high school, and I was mad. I was offended. I was aggrieved… I had been benched.

When I got home from school, I wanted someone to tell me how I was right, and the coach was wrong. I wanted someone to tell me that I was great, and my teammates who had replaced me were not. I wanted someone to validate my feelings..

Luckily for me, I had chosen to have my “woe is me” talk with my dad. He was an old school guy, born and raised in the Bronx. He had been forced to retire from his dream job — the NY City Fire Department — after destroying his back during a fire. Life had been good to him, and tough to him, and he certainly wasn’t intending to make it easy on me.

His goal wasn’t to make me feel better that day. His goal was to make me BE better.

“John,” he said, “regardless of whether you think your coach is right or wrong, regardless of whether you think you are better or worse than your teammates, that is really all beside the point.”

I sat quietly. You do not interrupt my dad.

“The question you have to ask yourself is ‘have I done everything in my control to earn a starting spot?’”

I thought about it. “Yes, I’m better than those guys,” I protested.

“That is not what I am talking about,” he said. “That’s one man’s opinion. Here are some things that are not. Do you show up early and do extra work? Do you stay after and work on your game, or even run laps and improve your fitness? Do you pick up the cones when training is done? Have you gotten up before school yet this season to do extra work on the track, or against the kick back wall?”

“No,” I answered, not liking where this was heading.

“Well, until you have done anything and everything you can do to show your coach and teammates beyond any doubt who deserves to be out there, you have nothing to complain about. I suggest you get back to work and leave your coach no choice but to put you in, because right now he clearly has a choice.”

Conversation: TERMINATED.

This was a defining moment for me as an athlete. Our relationship was not always rosy when it came to sports, There were certainly other things he said and did that did not affect me in a positive manner. For whatever reason, though, this lesson had the desired effect. From that day forward, as a high school, collegiate and professional player, I always believed that I had nothing to say until my actions spoke first. It was up to me to leave no doubt. In the words of inspirational former Cornell Lacrosse player George Boiardi, as told by Jon Gordon in his great book The Hard Hat: 21 Ways to be a Great Teammate, 

“Well done is better than well said.”

I get a lot of emails and inquiries about kids ‘playing out of position,’ about being ‘forced’ to play for a tough coach and struggling for playing time. Since the recent changes in US Soccer birth years, I have heard a ton about kids having difficulties adapting to new teammates and age groups. And I get it.

As a parent, I worry about my kids and how they will react to adversity. I get anxious when they encounter difficulty, when they are pushed extremely hard, and when they want to give up. I get frustrated when they struggle. I get scared that my December birthday daughter is at a disadvantage now in soccer due to her relative age. I don’t like to see them fail, because deep down, every time they fail it feels like a part of me is failing, and that doesn’t sit very well with me.

Yes, I want to intervene. I want to help them feel better, just like I wanted to feel better.

And then I catch myself. I think what would my dad say?

My parents were great supporters of my sporting journey, and in honor of Father’s Day, I wanted to share a bit of my dad’s wisdom that extended well beyond the soccer field, the wrestling mat, and the baseball diamond.

Here are ten lessons my dad taught me in sports that have carried me through life:

1 As Confucius says, “Do not worry that no one knows you; seek to be worth knowing”In other words, until you have done everything in your power to influence a situation, quit whining and start doing.

2 Be coachable: Be a great listener, pay attention, and do what the coach tells you, even when you see others doing the opposite and being rewarded for it

3 If you are going to do something, do it right: Make a commitment and fulfill it. Do more than is asked, not simply the bare minimum required for participation. You can go fishing, go to that party, and go skiing when your commitment is done, but until then you owe it to your teammates to be all in.

4 Be honest: When someone asks your opinion, tell the truth. It is not always easy, and it is not always fun, but one day you will have a reputation as a person who others can go to when they need a hard, honest truth, not just someone who makes you feel better. The former is a true friend, and the other is just a fan. Be a friend.

5 Shake hands, look people in the eye, and say “thank you:” This demonstrates respect to coaches, officials and other people who have taken the time and effort to make your game, and your sport, possible.

6 Be patient: Being really good at anything is a marathon. Some people may grow before you, and thus be bigger, faster and taller than you, but so what? That will all eventually even out, and then what? Will you be a better player, or someone who gave up because life didn’t hand you all the breaks right away?

7 Embrace both failure and success: You want to do your best to win, but what matters more than the scoreboard is how you learned and developed. Don’t ignore mistakes because you won, and don’t dwell on them because you lost. Everyone makes mistakes, so you might as well make them trying to make a play, instead of trying not to make mistakes.

8 Don’t slouch and pout: Your body language and your attitude matter. They affect how coaches, teammates and others perceive you, and if you are going to be a leader, no one really cares how you are feeling right now. Suck it up and be positive.

9 Don’t hold a grudge: My dad coached high school soccer in various capacities for 17 years, and then was unceremoniously fired one season after a couple of parental complaints. I say unceremoniously because most years he donated his coaching salary to the school scholarship fund to help needy athletes. He bought equipment when the school had no budget. He ran extra training in the off season at no charge to players or families. It broke his heart when he was let go, and yet the next year he once again donated to the school scholarship fund. I asked him why. “They do a lot of good for so many kids,” he said. “It’s not those kids fault, and they should not be the ones who suffer.”

10 Be humble: Whether you win or lose, be humble. It’s just a game, and today was your day. Tomorrow might be theirs. Respect the officials, coaches, and your opponents, because chances are you will see them again someday beyond the sports field, and what you do on it will affect how they think of you.

Mark Twain once said “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

My dad is 81 this year, and he sure has learned a lot!

In all seriousness, though, my dad’s health has not been that great recently, and I have come to value and enjoy our conversations and our time together so much more. I wish I paid better attention when I was younger. He has taught me a lot about sports, and about life. I use those ten lessons above everyday in coaching, in running a business, in my marriage, and most importantly in my interaction with my own children. They don’t always like it, and they don’t always want it.

But they do often need it, and hopefully they will thank me someday, just as I am doing today.

Thanks Dad. For everything.

Giving Out Tic Tacs

I love reading!  There is a common thing said about books “sometimes you find a good book and sometimes a good book finds you".  This is a prime example of that right now I am reading “You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero.  Don’t get me wrong most days I think my life is awesome and I certainly don’t need to be told I am a badass that is for sure!   However, we all have our moments where multiple events can start piling up in life and pretty soon it can feel like an avalanche is on top of you.  In those times life can become incredibly painful.  It’s not always easy to bounce back from challenging circumstances.  Great leaders, athletes and people learn how to bounce back instinctively but even the best of us need help getting back on track sometimes depending on what is going on. 

I wanted to share an excerpt from this “You are a Badass” book. This story hit me at the perfect time: 

“It is one of the beautiful compensations in this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” Ralph Waldo Emerson  

One day while driving somewhere with my family, we stopped off at a store along the way and told my niece, then five years old, that she could get herself a little sumthin’. She came up to the register with a six-pack of orange Tic Tacs and charmed her way into getting the whole thing, instead of being told to put it back and just buy one.  

So we get back in the car and I ask her if I can have a pack, my only intent to teach the greedy little piglet a thing or two about sharing. “Of course,” she says and hands it over. She then asks in her itty-bitty five-year-old voice, if my brother and my mom want one too, and hands them over.  My niece then takes the remaining three packs and places them on the seat next to her in a pile saying, “And when we get home, this one’s for my brother, this one’s for my sister, this one’s for my mom.” Then she sits there with none left for herself, and smiles, more excited to give them away than when she was told she could buy them for herself.  

As my niece so clearly understood, giving is one of our greatest joys.  It’s also one of the most fearless and powerful gestures there is.  When we trust that we live in an abundant universe and allow ourselves to give freely, we raise our frequency, strengthen our faith and feel awesome, thereby putting ourselves in flow and the position to receive abundant amounts in return.

When we’re in fear, we hold on to what we’ve got because we don’t trust that there’s more.  We pinch off the energy, we’re scared to share, and we focus on, and create more of, the very thing we are hoping to avoid, which is lack.  

We live in a universe of give and receive, breathe and exhale, live and die, suck and awesome.  Each side depends on the other, and each is relative to the other - every action has an equal and opposite reaction - so the more you give the more you receive. And vice versa. 

Thank you Jen Sincero!  I loved that message.  

I would even like take it one step further and say that when you are open to living a challenging life you open yourself up to the full spectrum of what there is to offer. This means the good comes with the bad.  When the bad comes and you are not feeling at your best sometimes the very best thing that can be done is to give to someone else even if its in a small way like the Tic Tacs mentioned in the story.   This perspective can really make a big difference.  It is important to realize that life isn’t all about you giving and sharing are some of the best ways to shift the negative to the positive.  It is also important to be where you are and live the experience so you can fully take the lesson in that you are learning.  Don’t avoid it or shy away just take it in and feel it fully that way when the good comes to counterbalance the negative you have gone through that can be enjoyed to the fullest as well.   

The biggest lessons are usually the most painful and the best memories are usually the most brilliant.  Courageously live your life to the fullest!

A Message for Dads

Today I want to write a quick blog today to honour dads.  

In the movie Jordan to the Max it talked about how when Michael Jordan was signing autographs he would sometimes see a father and son in the crowd surrounding him and would be envious of them. It’s easy to see he would feel that way because of how famous he was it was hard for him to have similar experiences with his own kids.  This got me thinking about a few things: 

Dads and Their Sons 

The father-son relationship is a special one to observe.  Fathers and sons seem to connect on such a powerful level especially when it comes to the realm of sports.  Their bond can be so strong.  It is such an amazing thing to see when fathers show their sons how to play the game or support them in continuously improving.  Over time it is really something to cherish.  Fathers often teach their son’s honour, courage and strength.

Dads and Their Daughters 

The father-daughter relationship is so unique.  It is amazing to witness powerful men showing a vulnerable side of themselves when it comes to their daughters.  Dad’s often teach their daughters how to be independent, resilient and strong.  It is so incredible to see the dad’s that takes time to support his daughter in the things that she takes a interest in.  Providing the right atmosphere for her to grow, learn and improve.  

Dads Who Coach

There are so many sacrifices that are made to be a coach.  Many coaches that are dad’s often sacrifice the time they have with their own families to help their players to continue to flourish.  Over the years I have been surrounded by men that provide athletes with all the tools they need to take their game to the next level.  Taking the time to coach someone that isn’t your blood relation is such a powerful expression of love. It is a selfless act especially when considering what is often at stake.  

It is especially hard for coaches to work with their own children.  Sometimes the expectations they have for their own children can be incredibly high.  Providing the right mix of support and drive is perhaps the most challenging part.  Not to mention that many times the expectations from outsiders fall on the shoulders of the kids as well.  There can be judgement passed on a player just because of that relationship.  These dad’s often have to be resourceful to navigate such a challenging path in order to have their family come through it in tact.  

For all the little things you provide makes such a big difference. Happy Fathers Day!

10,000 Hours

In the book the Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell he talks about the importance of getting 10,000 hours of “deliberate practice” in order to achieve mastery. Recently, due to a Princeton study where they analyzed 88 studies on deliberate practice it was found that practice wasn’t as effective in terms of predicting success.  Chess and music are the highest percentage where practice can be linked directly with mastery.  However, when it comes to sports, education and business it becomes much less predictable. 

Some athletes are naturally incredibly gifted or have physical attributes that set them apart from others. Perhaps the truth is that there isn’t a set number of hours for every individual to log in order to achieve personal greatness.  In the book Sports Gene by David Epstein the author sites particular instances in studies that indicate to be a master violin player the range of hours needed to practice are within the 11,000 to 11,053 range which is incredibly specific.  However, in netball there was a player by the name of Vicki Wilson who was arguably the best player in the world and only logged 600 hours of training.  It is possible in this case that some players can be “Limited Editions” in that they are the exception to the rule rather than the rule itself.  It is very well possible that these athletes that fall into this category were focusing on other sports prior to finding a niche where they could really stand out or they have special attributes that set them apart. This has to do with preparation meeting opportunity at the right moment.  

I think Epstein put it very well we he said “In fact, in absolutely every single study of sports expertise, there is a tremendous range of hours of practice logged by athletes who reach the same level and very rarely do elite performers log 10,000 hours of sport-specific practice prior to reaching the top competitive plane, often competing in a number of other sports and acquiring a range of other athletic skills before zeroing in on one.”  

With teams sports this becomes increasingly difficult to measure due to the nature of having many players to analyze with varying natural abilities, learning styles, injuries as well as interactions with one another.  The team in essence can become its own entity entirely.  Athletes who are a part of a team cannot rely solely on the the development of the team to be successful they need to chart their own route to achieve personal mastery as an individual.   

What we have most likely found through this dialogue is that there is a range of deliberate practice hours that happen over time.  It may not be as easy as saying it is only 10,000 hours to become a master.  For some people it may be less and for others it may be significantly more.  Through Gladwell’s own admissions we may be in fact looking for a range from 4,000 hours to up to 40,000 as it isn’t an exact science.  The important thing to note is that no one is going to roll off their couch and emerge as an olympic athlete.  There are certain skills sets that need to be acquired over time.  

It is the individual and their circumstance that will indicate the levels that are reached. No amount of training in the world will change someone who is naturally 5 foot 2 into a towering 7  footer.  It is a matter of owning your particular skill set, perfecting it and pushing the boundaries to what is possible through getting better.  The quality of the practice and the desire to push to improve are critical.  There is also an element of luck involved especially in highly competitive environments.  In these environments the differences between athletes can be very small and it can be subjective in terms of decisions being made about who makes the team and who doesn’t.  Some players are natural and obvious choices whereas others may not be as clear.  

An important point to raise during this dialogue is to highlight that enjoying journey rather than focussing on the destination is important.  If the hours are being logged just to get them done then the passion, desire and enjoyment are lost.  Self mastery is a unique process that isn’t always dictated in a easy to follow fashion.  It is the lessons in those hours that are critical for development and growth.  It is very well possible that all these hours can be logged and completely lost due to a career ending injury, another person gets selected instead or various other reasons it doesn’t work out. Enjoying the process and seeing what happens next such an important process when undertaking mastery.  

Alan Stein's Rules for Basketball Parents

Alan Stein is a performance coach that is very reputable in the basketball world. He works with many high performance athletes and teams.  He is very knowledgeable in the parent/coach relationship. I have had the opportunity to listen to him speak in the past and I have been very impressed with his materials. I came across these rules a few weeks ago and thought I would share them. I really like all the points he makes here. These should be shared with the parents on you team as a point of reference. It helps to pre-emptively get everyone on the same page.  I have also included a link to the video below as well.
Parents… it is highly unlikely that your child will play professionally. In fact, statistically, only a very small percentage of you will have children that play in college. So let them enjoy the journey. Their playing days will be over before you know it. Use basketball as a vehicle to teach the life lessons they will need when they grow up.

Parents… you must embrace the fact that this is your child’s journey – not yours. Do not live vicariously through them. Put your focus on being a supportive and encouraging parent.

Parents… it’s true. Coaches do play favourites. They favour players who give the team the best chance to win, who have great attitudes, who work hard every day, who embrace their role (regardless of what that role is) and who support the program’s culture. If you think a coach doesn’t ‘like’ your child; your child is more than likely deficient in one (or more) of these areas.

Parents… more often than not, your child’s coach is in a better position to evaluate and determine appropriate playing time because they see everything. They see workouts, practices, meetings, film breakdown and games (where as most parents get an incomplete picture because they only see games).

Parents… as far as playing time goes, coaches want to win. They want to win badly. If your child will help them win… they will play. If not… they won’t. Period.

Parents… you should never push to discuss playing time, strategy or another player with your child’s coach. Ever. Those 3 domains are sacred ground.

Parents… you should encourage your child to communicate any issues, questions or concerns they have (or you have) directly with their coach by having them schedule a meeting. It is my belief, as a parent, you have the right to attend that meeting, simply as an observant, but the discussion should be between your child and the coach.

Parents… do not undermine your child’s coach in the car ride home or at the dinner table. Subtle, passive aggressive comments like ‘Your coach doesn’t know what he’s doing’ or ‘I can’t believe you don’t play more’ do not comfort your child (although I am sure that is your intention) – it enables them to have a bad attitude and to make excuses… both of which are unacceptable.

Parents… if your child isn’t getting the playing time they feel they deserve or if they lose a tough game… use that experience as a powerful teaching tool. Teach them how to own it. Teach them what they can do in the future to possibly get a different outcome.

Parents… more often than not, through both experience and professional development, coaches usually have a better basketball IQ and general understanding of the game then parents do (so questioning a coach’s X’s & O’s or their ability to judge talent is inappropriate).

Parents… stop coaching your child from the sideline. The only ‘voice’ a player should receive instructions from is the ‘voice’ of their coaching staff. Cheer for them all you want, but do not coach them. That isn’t your job.

Parents… you love your child more than anything in the world. You always want what is best for them (which is understandable and respectable). However, a coach’s obligation is to do what is best for the team. In many instances, what you want for your child and what is best of the team is not congruent.

Parents… politicking will never get your child more playing time. I promise you, this statement has never been said by a coach in the history of high school basketball, “I really need to start playing Jeffrey more because his mom thinks he isn’t playing enough.”

Parents… stop berating the referees. It sets a bad example and it makes you look foolish. The referees are doing they best they can. More often than not, a referee has a better position and a much better understanding of the rules to make the correct call then a parent does. And I promise you this statement has never been said either, “Can we stop the game? I’m sorry everyone. The loud-mouth mom in the stands is right, her son did get fouled on that last play.”

Parents… don’t push your child too hard. It’s OK to encourage. It’s OK to suggest. It’s OK to hold your child to a very high standard of excellence… but don’t force them to ‘get up extra shots’ or get in extra workouts. That has to come from them, not you. If they choose to do those things on their own, be supportive. If they choose not to, if they choose to only do the bare minimum, they will eventually learn a potent life lesson (not make the team, not get much playing time, etc.).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geufhfqUi5s

Blessings from Iron Shirt - In Memory of Allan Pard

In native cultures circles are very significant they show that in a tribe everyone matters.  They show everyone is equal.   Every person contributes in their own way and on great teams this is especially the case.  In a circle, there is no beginning, middle or end.  The energy just keeps flowing around and around gaining momentum as it continues. This momentum is impossible to stop once it gets going.   

The topic for this week’s article was easy to find in a tragic way as I got terrible news on Friday.  My high school basketball coach passed away suddenly earlier in the week. His name was Allan Pard, to the native community he was known as Iron Shirt and was a respected elder of the Piikani Nation in Southern Alberta.  In terms of impact and influence on my life I would say Allan was right up there with my parents.

  

Not only did he introduce me to basketball but most importantly he introduced me to myself.  He showed me possibilities and believed in me when I was a lanky girl with sharp elbows from the middle of nowhere Alberta.   He coached my basketball team when no one else wanted to. When we had to merge 3 small schools together just to have a team.  Some coaches know all the tactics and plays but Allan coached with his heart and got things out of me that I didn’t even know were there better yet even considered possible.  He encouraged me to be the best version of myself and I am so grateful to him for that every day.  There isn’t a day that I walk into a gym where I don’t think about him and the impact he had on my life.  Often wondering where I would have ended up if it weren’t for his belief in what I could do. 

Allan was the cornerstone behind why I became a coach.  He was an exceptional leader that really knew how to reach his players.  He told me if we still lived on the plains and off the land there was no doubt in his mind that I would have been a warrior because of the strength and determination I had deep down in my soul.  Women weren’t typically warriors but if that was the best way to help the tribe then they would be called upon to use their skills in that way.  He saw past my gender and made it okay for me to be the most complete version of myself.  

He made basketball fun, a safe place for me to come to when everything else in my life was going terribly wrong and most of all he taught me how to release my energy in a way that I had never experienced before. It was constructive, powerful and uplifting but never easy.  He made me play through my tears on more than one occasion.  Allan never made it easy for me which developed my leadership and mental toughness. Lessons I didn’t fully understand until years after the fact.  I had to learn to “dig deep” which is something he said to me frequently back then. He was a huge part of making it as a walk on in both college and university.  

Last weekend at the Super Clinic David Blatt said “You can do more with less as long as you do it right.”  I experienced that lesson with Allan when he took our dwindling team with 6 players left to Zones and we beat our home town rivals with their full roster. The opposing coach was so impressed he bought us a six pack of pop to honour our amazing underdog victory.  Allan was my favourite coach and I would have done anything for him.  

Each time I walk into a gym memories of him find their way into my mind.  I think of the many things he has taught me throughout my life.  As a child he was forced into residential school and relied heavily on peace and positivity in his adult life dealing with those scars.  Allan dealt so much with racism and fought back using basketball as a way to belong and to be accepted which is something that resonated with me.   He held on to his culture tightly and because of our deep connection he brought me into it.  In a lot of ways I felt like his daughter I got to be a part of many sacred native rituals with him and his family.  

Today and always I honour the time I had with him and celebrate his life. I am glad circles don’t end because that means I never have to say goodbye.  He is with me because he is a part of me with the lessons he has engrained within the fabric of my soul. I appreciate all that he has done for me and honour his legacy as I carry his message forward.  What an outstanding coach, leader and human being!  I am deeply blessed to have known him.         

If you would like to more about Allan here is a video and article I was able to find.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvqWTSypwHU

http://indigenous.alberta.ca/LW-Allan-Pard.cfm

Continuous Learning - Coach Blatt

Imagine sitting in a gym at a clinic in Toronto getting ready to soak up some information from some high quality speakers.  As you settle in and look around you see the keynote speaker that is set to speak the next day.  He is a former NBA Coach and Olympic Coach as well as has coached in Europe and is in the front row taking notes right beside you. To witness that for one day is one thing but when you see that throughout the course of the entire weekend in something else entirely. 

Coach David Blatt attended Canada Basketball’s Super Clinic at Ryerson and the University of Toronto this weekend.  In his key note speech on Saturday he highlighted some of the items he learned from the other speakers at the conference.  I can only imagine what that felt like as a speaker to be mentioned by him and have your information be taken in by such a captive audience.  I learned some incredible things from him this weekend that I wanted to share: 

1) “You can do more with less as long as you do it right.” 

Apparently many of David Blatt’s highest performing teams were comprised of players who wouldn’t be considered superstars in their own right.  For many coaches in the trenches this helps to work on how to get the whole team involved and contributing in their own way.  Professional sports can be so much different than amateur sports so it is so nice to be able to hear from a coach that is so relatable. He emphasized that our primary jobs as coaches was to teach and lead.  

2) “Excellence starts on the doorstep of your limitations” 

Surround yourself with great people you really can find a way to work as a team.  Learning what your limitations are is key to being able to fill in the gaps with other people who are better than you in those areas.  As a coach I always want to be able to make my team function at a high level so if I can have people with me that can share the load and help my team improve than that is great. Especially, if they are better in my areas of weakness. He said that one of the best compliments you can have as a Head Coach is when your Assistant becomes a Head Coach in their own right.  It means you have done your job properly in preparing them.  

3) Reach Your Players on a Human Level 

Sometimes as a leader there can be a lot of pressure to be perfect or not show your weaknesses.  This makes it hard for people to relate to you sometimes.  By being vulnerable and reaching players on a human level it really helps to improve the connection you have with one another.  Holding each other to a high standard is critical but also realizing no one is perfect is humbling.  Loving them and letting players see your heart helps them to dig deeper when they play for you. 

4) Know your material

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.  If you are going to be a great coach you have to know the material.  You really have to be effective in getting the message across.  Being a master requires being able to show or explain in different ways for different audiences.  

5) Get back up when you have been knocked down 

Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned from Coach Blatt this weekend was how to get back up after you have been knocked down.  He was unceremoniously fired a few months ago as the Head Coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers.  It must have been a painful experience to be in Toronto at the same time as when they were in town playing the Raptors during playoffs.  When he signed up for this speaking opportunity months ago there was no way anyone could have predicted that would be the case and yet he still followed through.  He handled the event with such class, humility and humour.  Taking the high road at every turn and never bashing his former team.  It was really incredible to witness. A prime example of a coach leading by example. 

Thanks for the incredible lessons this weekend Coach Blatt!  I have no doubt you will be back on the sideline at a high level again in no time.  Best of luck!